Sharp (Final Version)
In truth, I wasn't looking when you fannedthe cards (nor did I count them, I confess).Initially I held the better handbut yours was played with preconceived finesse.Oblivious to what was being dealt,I...
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Hi, Mary:I'm going to disagree with Roger about the stanza order. To me, cheating is the process by which you lose the "game" and belongs, therefore, as the second stanza. To me, the word "lose"...
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Aha! So "Nada Lott" is really Mary Sullivan, eh? I should have known -- the self-deprecating nic should've been a tipoff. Nice one. I can't say much more since I'm not a card player. Only one quibble,...
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Beautifully constructed, Mary, as ever.I think Roger's comments are on the nail, particularly concerning the couplet. It seems to me it's the opponent who's taking it seriously, while the narrator...
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Hi Mary,here's a radical thought - I think this would work as a shorter poem. I think this communicates powerfully what you want to say in 10 lines:YOUR DEALIn truth, I wasn't looking when you...
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All suggestions weighed and appreciated. Better?Too whiny now? Let me know, would you, Roger?Phil, that was just the nudge I needed about switching the order -- I sorta thought so too. Beaten, yes....
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The revision is a big improvement. I'm embarrassed to admit the metaphor was lost on me the first time around -- I was reading it as if it were really just about the cards. Duh! Now your meaning is...
View ArticleRe: Sharp (Final Version)
Mary, reversing the stanza order gets my vote; the sequence is more logical now.Other revisions don't work quite as well, to my mind.L9, "I" serves as well as "I'd" and matches the tense in L6. "In...
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Thanks, Peter. Nothing wrong with your comprehension level -- if this doesn't work for you then it doesn't work for me. Prob'ly best let it soak for a while, though -- I'm starting to get a whiff of...
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Nada,My advice would be to put this aside for a little while, as I think it's suffering from revisionitis, and losing its freshness and sparkle.Personally, I think making it more specific is a mistake...
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Dear Mary,Bravo!The second version is much more impressive. The couplet is excellent. I got the dual meaning (literal image/metaphorical image) from the start, for most men leave us with a broken...
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The second version seems much better to me. The couplet is the only part that I'm not that sure about. I'm not sure why. But it occurs to me that both the speaker and the "you" must have known they...
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Hello Mary, I thought I might add my dollar's worth here for you to ponder. As you know, I don't post here but I enjoy the read.In truth, I wasn't looking when you fanned* I find the grammar a...
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I do appreciate the board's attention to this one, but, with apologies, I won't be making any more changes or trying to satisfy everyone's nits. It's a subject too close to my heart, so I'll just have...
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Paddy wrote:> I'm kinda wondering if 'your's' needs an apostrophe for ownership? Hi Paddy. To answer your question, "yours" is correct without the apostrophe.Lots of people get confused about...
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Hi,I agree the second version works better. - I'm not sure about 'burning trumps' though!cheersAlan
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Hi Mary,much preferred the latest version of this poem. Found it very easy to follow & enjoyed the wisdom the narrator imparts through hindsight. Lovely piece.
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Dear Mary,Great fix! I love it. Don't change it anymore.Best,Tamara"Truth, like light, is often slanted"---Tamara B. Latham, c 2003http://www.geocities.com/tblatham/index.html
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Hi:I think you've done fine work revising this. It theels (thinks and feels) better to me. And ... whoever suggested that you may want to put it aside for a bit and revisit it later may have a point....
View ArticleRe: Sharp (Final Version)
Hmm!Your final revision shows clearly that this is metaphorical speak, the underlying meaning seems obtuse and should it remain so? That is, of course, entirely in your hands.Rose, thanks for the...
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